Here I am, writing from the bathroom. I only rode 15 miles, but it was all uphill. So was yesterday. It's getting pretty cold up here, too. There is a bit of snow behind my bathroom. I'm in the otherwise desolate Hiker/Biker campground at Cuyamaca Rancho State Park, so I could probably just sleep in here and no one would notice. It's been cleaned up and locked for the season - the camp host opened it up for me.
I've been feeling on and off a bit uncertain, more so than I expected to be. I had hoped I would be okay on my own. I'm sure I still will be, it's just taking some time. Back in Portland, I felt ready - I had enjoyed every day of company while riding with Ryan and Michelle, but being on someone else's schedule(Of course I always had a choice, but I really -wanted- to keep up), on a preplanned route stressed me out. I worried that I was becoming overly dependent on the route, and on my friends. So, knowing that we'd meet again, it wasn't too painful getting on the train to San Diego.
I enjoyed my three weeks off with my soon-to-be cousin, Jeff, as well. He introduced me to his friends, let me lay around in his apartment and play starcraft all day, got me hooked on watching starcraft tournaments... but I wasn't really doing anything, and that made me anxious. By the time I had my bike repaired and had picked up my mail, I was ready to go. I'm planned on heading back over there after christmas when my cousin moves to San Diego, so it wasn't that big a deal when left yesterday.
So, I was looking forward to making my own decisions, being independent, and not having a schedule to adhere too. Now, being the ass-backwards person I am, I feel at a loss without these things, and I'm looking for inspiration and opportunity. Wonder what will happen tomorrow.